We sit in a circle in an array of comfortable couches and chairs. There is a low coffee-table in the middle with objects that represent basic elements needed for successful conversations:
- a candle for the fire of passion that includes dissent, suffering, confusion, as well as possibilities, transformation, and warmth;
- a shell to represent the calm, clarity, and soothing power of water, as well as its power, danger, and energy for change;
- a wooden basket full of chocolate, to represent the need for a nurturing container that will bring safety, trust, and comfort to the conversations we are going to engage in over the course of the three days executive retreat we are starting;
- a talking stick to remind us of the need to follow good dialogue guidelines.
In addition, everybody has brought an object that represents their hopes for the retreat: super-glue, a versatile tool, signs with words like TRUST and RESPECT, Miracle Grow. . . .
The setting is early Spring in a conservation park. They have comfortable facilities and a singing brook surrounding the lodge. This bring a calming and secluded atmosphere. It is not often that this powerful and busy group of executives takes time for reflection, team development, and dialogue.
Since we are just starting, I can sense their restlessness and need to “get down to business.” At the same time, because they have new team members, are in the middle of a merger, and their meetings have not been flowing easily lately, they recognize the need for pause.
We have been working together for almost two years, and they trust my neutral facilitation skills. They are also starting to trust the process of dialogue and each other more. Over the three days we spend time sharing feelings, thoughts, dreams, and concerns.
We eat, laugh, and play together. They get to know and accept each other more. They are able to process past misunderstandings that have stood in the way of better integration, as well as to take the risk and responsibility to forge new paths for the future of the company.
By the end of the three days they feel they have accomplished more with less hurry, than what they usually accomplish when they are trying to run through their usually full agendas. They admit to feeling more at peace, less tension, no headaches. Also, there are more comfortable silences before answering questions or offering comments.
The process of thinking and sharing has slowed down, but gone deeper. Once again taking time for reflection and pausing to look inside, connect, check meanings, come to understanding, and share the heart, have resulted in better decision making and wiser leadership.
In commenting on how the retreat had helped the leadership team become more effective they said:
- “It taught us that we can work together, and come to decisions, both easily and collaboratively.”
- “We are capable of discussing topics openly, and less defensively.”
- “It showed us how effective we actually can be.” “We were more open and asked more questions of each other.”
- “The overall environment and our stated purpose allowed us to be more open in our dialogue where as if in the office, we may not been so open.”
- “We took time to think before answering or becoming defensive.”
- “We were more willing to wait before speaking, helping us to see the diversity of thought not as a threat, but as an ally.”
Even more powerful to me was what happened the following week. I facilitated a meeting with the same management team and the middle managers of the company. The ability the management team exhibit of keeping a relaxed stance, to listening more, and to asking more genuine and open questions, helped immensely. They said: “This has been he best conjoint meeting we have ever had.”
What was different? It was easy to recognize that the management team was at ease with each other, and genuinely wanting feedback. This made the middle managers more trusting and open.
In this overly busy world, we miss a lot in our quest to make sure we never miss anything. Leaders need to take time to slow down, look inside, understand themselves better, and savor beauty, nature, conversations, and heart connections.
As Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee well said in their recent book Resonant Leadership: "to be able to withstand the pressures and challenges of leadership, we need to engage in a conscious process of mindfulness and renewal both on a daily basis and over time. We need to be able to find equilibrium within ourselves--in our mind, body, heart, and spirit-- to be able to lead people and groups around us." Or as Susan Maza said in her blog on Friday, “Leading “You” begins with leading me.”
As I have spent time reflecting on why the past 10 days were so successful, I can see that more than my knowledge, techniques, exercises, and wisdom, My presence--the way I am at this moment of my life--is what makes the biggest difference.
My presence has tremendous weight in how I am able to influence my clients, set the mood for meetings, be a calming presence in the midst of controversy, and set an example on how dialogue works. This makes me feel the responsibility to keep learning, growing, and finding even better ways to combine knowledge, mindfulness, and context for greater results.
You are right Susan, leadership begins with taking the time to understand and grow ourselves first. When we do this, it's easier to lead others. Share your comments and questions!
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