In the last two blog posts about understanding conflict, we reviewed definitions, positive and negative effects of conflict, misconceptions, and how your emotional brain processes conflict. Today I'm suggesting some attitudes that can be helpful. Our pattern of thoughts can not only help the process of conflict resolution, but also influence our feelings about it. And yes, you CAN decide how you are going to think.
With the right frame of mind, you can help create the right environment for finding satisfying solutions. Here are 10 ways to facilitate the right way of thinking.
1. Bring a positive frame of mind
If you think there's no way the conflict will be resolved, it will not be resolved. You have a much better chance if you see the conflict as an opportunity to learn, to find mutually acceptable solutions, and to be creative.2. Find mutual ground
Start by agreeing on a neutral, comfortable, and convenient physical place to meet, as well as meeting time and how long the meeting will last. If you are not careful, where you meet can derail the whole process.
3. Think systemically
Separate environment, issues, people, emotions, interests, and positions. Then look at how each contributes to the overall conflict and how each can provide creative solutions. It’s easy to get stuck on only one of them. Whenever that happens, the conflict tends to escalate and solutions are hard to find.
4. Understand everybody thinks their needs are real and legitimate
If something is a conflict for one person, there IS a problem for everybody. Don’t diminish it’s importance. Until you can acknowledge that the issue is real and meaningful, nothing will be gained.
5. Accept that everyone is right from his/her perspective
To find a win/win solution you have to stop looking for who is right and who is wrong. The focus needs to be on defining the issues and finding creative solutions together.
6. Acknowledge emotions and look for objective facts
Avoid defensiveness, attacking, judging, and blaming others. Address the problems, not so much the personalities. Give everybody involved the opportunity to present the facts as they see them. Remember that usually the whole picture has many parts, and different people tend to focus on different parts.
7. Use good communication
Ask questions, listen, clarify assumptions, rephrase what you heard, take a genuine interest in everybody’s viewpoint. Present your ideas also, but make sure your communication contributes to consensus building and meaning making.
8. Look for shared interests
Remember that strong emotions and conflicting viewpoints tend to magnify perceived differences and minimize similarities. Look for common goals, outcomes, future interests. Remind the people involved that you are all in this together.
9. Encourage honesty
Game playing only muddles the situation. Be honest and clear about what is important to you, what is acceptable, and what is not. Also clarify the extent to which the people present in the meeting have a say, or the power to reach conclusions and implement solutions. Include the organizational goals and objectives. Then provide the needed safety for everybody to feel they can honestly share their thoughts and feelings without fearing negative repercussions.
10. End on a good note
Make sure there is a win-win understanding, even if it solves only part of the problem. After call, conflict resolution can be temporary. The goal should be to move things forward. Maybe more time will be needed to find resolution. But whatever the outcome, don’t leave the meeting in a negative place. People need to leave the meeting feeling that some positive results were reached.
Remember. . .
Relationships can be strengthen, and lessons can be learned from conflict. Appreciate the benefit of having different perspectives participating. Make sure the way you think about conflict contributes to its solution.
If you found this information useful, imagine how much more successful you will be, working with me. To find out more, simply click here.
[There are two old books that continue to be relevant and I use their ideas all the time, including some of what I wrote here: Win-Win: Approaches to Conflict Resolution/at Home, in Business, Between Groups, and Across Cultures by Arnold Gernstein and James Reagan (1987) and Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, and Bruce Patton (1981). There is also a more recent one that is excellent: Win at Work!: The Everybody Wins Approach to Conflict Resolution by Diane Katz.]
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