Leaders tend to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Working with leaders I have heard all kinds of comments when I have asked the simple question: Have you asked anybody for help with this? Some of the comments I hear are:
“I don’t want my staff to think I don’t know what to do.”
"As the leader, I’m supposed to have the answers.”
“I should be able to do it by myself.”
Most likely you don't ask for help not because you are strong, but because you are not strong enough! If you are honest with yourself on why you don’t ask for help more often, you’ll tap into your fears. Does any of this sounds familiar?
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not smart enough
- I will not be respected enough
Seems that our deeper need for connection and relationships brings this fear of not being good enough. The fear of being vulnerable, as Brené Brown calls it.
Yet, asking for help is a sign of tremendous courage and personal awareness
As my twitter friend @timage said: “The willingness to ask for help takes more courage than the willingness to do it by yourself.”
The other reality is that people respect you more, will want to connect with you more, and will like you better if you are willing to show vulnerability and ask for help.
The best way to endear yourself to someone is not to offer to do something for them but rather to ask them to do something for you. That’s why asking your team for help works. The act of asking for help and then listening to your team members will do wonders for your credibility and will develop mutual trust.
Here is how it works
The other day I was working with a new leader that was all stressed out. Being new to the position his fear was that people would find him incompetent if he asked for help while “learning the ropes.” I suggested he meet with every key person in the organization — from his line staff to the CEO. I challenge him to be in full listening mode. To focus on inquiry. To ask his team and others in the organization to help him learn all he could about the organization.
We developed together a set of questions to engage with people in looking at how and why things get done in a certain way. Some of the questions are:
- Who is your primary customer?
- How do you allocate resources to them?
- What you do and why do we do it that way?
- How can it be improved?
- What works best in your area?
- What opportunities are there to build on that expertise?
- What are the critical performance metrics you use to track progress?
- What is one thing you think I should give priority to?
These question are helping this new leader to better understand how his staff and the organization function. Approaching people in this way has also lowered tremendously his stress level. At the same time he is demonstrating that it's okay for an executive to ask for assistance. I suggested he end his interviews with a very important question: How can I best help you to fulfill your function?
Remember. . .
Asking for help requires courage, but it’s much better than going at it alone.
Asking for help requires courage, but it encourages connection and develops relationships.
Asking for help requires courage, but it leads to better understanding and greater success.
Photos by: mikebaird and Dimitri N.