In our western world we tend to be very superficial with greetings: “Hi,” "What’s up!,” "How are you?" And then we really don't want to hear a genuine response. Leaders should remember that a greeting can be a gift, and use it wisely. Wikipedia says that “Greeting is an act of communication in which human intentionally make their presence known to each other.” Today we are going to explore how the gift of greeting can enrich relationships.
I first thought seriously about the gift of greeting after hearing the daughter of a holocaust survivor tell how her mother kept her “humanity” during the inhumanity of the death camps. She decided the only way she could survive there and still remember she was human was to keep remembering that human connection was possible.
She purposefully would take a moment every day to look a fellow inmate in the eyes and give the Hebrew greeting “Shalom Uveracha,” which roughly translates as “peace and blessing.” Looking every day for that instant of acknowledgement of shared humanity gave her mother hope and kept her alive. When we greet others in a way that connects us as humans, we give a gift to them, and to us. The Zulu people in South Africa know well how to give the gift of greeting.
Greeting is a gift of connection
I love the depth of meaning in the Zulu greeting, Sawun bona or “I see you.” The greeting begins with two people looking deep into each other’s eyes. This is powerful by itself. A depth of human connection is established without any words. Eye contact is akin to soul contact. This sense of oneness always inspires better communication.
Your eyes were made to communicate with the eyes of other people. Babies know this intuitively and look to your eyes for affirmation and love. Infants look to their parents’ eyes to figure out what they’re trying to convey when their face and words are ambiguous. And we continue to do this for the rest of our lives.
Young children know that unless they can make eye contact with you, they don’t really have your attention. I remember my pre-schooler trying to get his father attention. When to his excited “daddy, daddy!” he got a perfunctory “yes?” while his dad kept his eyes in a book, he climbed into his lap, pushed the book away, took his father’s chin to turn it up 'till he could look him in the eye, and said: “but daddy, look at me!”
Eye contact immediately put us in a level playing field, because it’s a form of simultaneous communication. You don’t have to take turns expressing yourselves as you do with talking. Therefore, when you look deeply into another’s eyes you are also offering the gift of equality.
Greeting is a gift of affirmation
According to the Zulu tradition, to say “I see you” offers an intention to release any preconceptions and judgments so that “I can see you as God created you.” To hear “I see you” is an affirmation that you do exist, that you are both equal, and that you have a person’s respect.
We can learn from the Zulu the importance of affirming the presence of every person we greet. Our presence with them validates their humanity – which in-turn validates our own humanity. By fully acknowledging the ‘other’ we affirm not only them, but we energize our relationship with them.
Seeing another is also a gift to yourself. As a leader, there is nothing more rewarding than watching someone light up from recognition of their own humanity and greatness.
There are many ways to say “I see you:”
- When you focus on another person and look into the eyes, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you stop doing and give full attention to the person in front of you, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you acknowledge the presence of another, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you give a compliment, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you share an empowering message, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you notice someone’s strengths, you are saying I SEE YOU.
- When you recognize a contribution, you are saying I SEE YOU.
Greeting is a gift of attention.
The answer to the Zulu greeting “I see you” is Sikhona, which means “I am here.” Saying “I am here” is a declaration of intent to be fully present in that moment. It signals your willingness to show up to engage with integrity. It gives the promise of your full presence with “no masks,” “no editing,” and “no defenses.” It means “This is the real me” and “I will be honest and speak my truth.”
People are starved for attention these days. The ability to really see someone as they speak is unique. It has become so common for people to break their attention to check their electronic devices during a conversation, that giving someone your complete and undivided attention can truly be a special gift.
"I am here," definitely demonstrates that I'm willing to give you the gift of proximity, of community and companionship. The shared connection that results from sharing in the present, is the real indicator of healthy relationships.
Remember. . .
Don’t rush through greetings. Curb your tendency to not really ‘see’ or listen to others. Recognize the importance of ‘presence’ and ‘validation‘ in all your everyday encounters. Your words of greeting can energize or deflect relationships. Your every day practice should be to acknowledge those you meet and to exit each human exchange with the satisfaction of knowing that you brought someone else into existence by acknowledging their humanity!
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Photo by: Photo Plod