I spent last week at the Outer Banks with a group of friends. We went to celebrate the wedding of the son of one of them. I enjoyed the experience of letting go of everything and just be in the moment. Especially seeing the bride and groom so intensely aware of each other in the moment of their ceremony by the beach made me think anew of the importance of living the moment and be present in our interactions with others.
Continuing the series on how to elicit the thoughts and ideas of others and share yours in a way that real understanding and collaboration can happen we are going to explore today how to Be Present.
When talking to others, speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have in your life. It could be! When we are totally present and highly aware, our brains record and compute all kinds of subtle messages that can help us “read” the other and which many times result in the proverbial good or bad “gut feeling” we get about something. You might not be able to explain it fully, but you better “listen” to it.
In a July 27 article that appeared in the Science section of the N.Y. Times, Carey writes about studies done by the military around “hunches” which helped prevent soldiers from loosing their lives to I.E.D. attacks, which complement a growing body of work suggesting that the speed with which the brain reads and interprets sensations like the feelings in one’s own body and emotions in the body language of others is central to avoiding imminent threats.
Dr. Antonio Damasio, director of the Brain and Creativity Institute at the University of Southern California, speaking about the importance of emotions for every day survival, says: “We understand emotions as practical action programs that work to solve a problem, often before we’re conscious of it. These processes are at work continually, in pilots, leaders of expeditions, parents, all of us.”
Leaders should pay focused attention when interacting with others. If your life depended on the attention you give the person in front of you, you wold not be talking on the phone with someone else, or scanning your email, or thinking about your next meeting. If you are not paying attention you can miss great opportunities.
What are the basics of being present?- Show up! This means being both physically and emotionally available. It includes being willing to be vulnerable. You need to be present in life and in your career, and to feel a connection to your work. You need to be engrossed in what you are doing and feel the passion and energy that comes from that. It is then that you can get into the state of “flow” that makes work and life easier and interesting. Being fully aware of what is happening at the moment is what helped soldiers survive in the aforementioned studies. For you it can mean the survival of your job or your company.
- Be Aware. Give attention to your attention and your thoughts. If you find yourself thinking of other things, other times, other people, gently let them go and bring yourself back to the moment. Have the courage to be nowhere else but with the person you are with.
- Be mindful of your seeing. It starts with eye contact of the kind that acknowledges the presence of the person you are interacting with. In the book The Fifth Discipline, edited by Peter Senge, it is said that among the Zulu tribes in South Africa, people greet each other saing “Sawn bona,” which literally means, “I see you.” The reply is: sikhona, which means “I’m here.” “The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist. It’s as if, when you see me, you bring me into existence.” Only when we genuinely see the people we are interacting with and recognize their humanity, can we truly be present and invite others to also be present.
- Listen to your listening. You need to listen beyond the words in order not to miss the message. If you are genuinely interested and pay attention to the whole person, people will come to you and communicate to you. When people find out I do executive coaching, and also crisis counseling, they some times ask me how I can bear to talk to people all day. This question always surprises me, because most of the time a lost myself in the delight of listening to the whole person and interacting with an interesting human being. It is important to listen not only to the content, but also to the emotions and the intent. When you do this, character and clarity emerge and learning will occur.
- Suspend judgments and assumptions, asking the right questions instead. Because we are so used to make judgments and assumptions, reacting to people even before they have finished communicating, we make many mistakes. Instead, leaders need to ask more questions to draw others out. When I was in training with Harlene Anderson she used to say that you needed to come to a conversation with the attitude or “not knowing.” You need to come empty handed, bringing nothing but yourself. Genuine learning occurs when you join others in interrogating reality, expanding the conversation.
There is only one time that is important - NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power over. ~Leo Tolstoy
Remember that now is the only time you have. The past is gone and can only serve you as a holder of memories and a source of learning. The future is not here yet and you can only dream and plan for it. The time for action is now! If you create a safe space and offer the invitation to others to come and interact in the present, each conversation will be brand new. You will enrich yourself and others and be surprised with the results.
As you start each day, remember that being present means seeing with new eyes and looking beyond the obvious. . . listening with new ears and hearing what is behind the words. . . asking the right questions that will expand horizons and open new exciting worlds. . . . By collecting present moments and capturing them in word, action, and/or picture, at the end of a year, you'll be amazed at how much you have won by being present.