Listen better. . . to yourself!

As a leader, listening is one of the most important skills you can learn. I always promote your need to listen to your people! Employees are the eyes and ears of your business. Listening to your people for what needs to change, how to change, and even what’s wrong with change, can save you time and wasted effort. Nevertheless, today I want to change the focus from your people to you.

Have you considered how important it is to listen to yourself? I had not thought much about listening to myself until my older son (who was a very early talker) started talking in full sentences. This is how he motivated me to learn to listen to myself.

One day my best friend and I took our sons to the park. While the boys were playing, my son started forcefully scolding the other boy about something and reduced him to tears. I was quick to intervene. . . only to see a repeat of the situation, with small variations, several times.

When in frustration I commented to my friend that I did not have a clue why my son was acting that way, she burst out laughing. Since I could not see the humor in the situation, I asked her to explain. She finally could control herself enough to gasp:

“He was repeating word for word some of the things I have heard you say to him. It was like listening to you!”

I was shocked! I honestly did not have an idea I was talking that way to my son! More conscious now of the importance of modeling a better way to him, I started giving more attention to how I was talking. I have to confess it was not easy to change my ways, but I think it paid off, not only with him, but in my relationships with others.

In a similar way, many executives don’t have a clue how bad they sound when they are trying to give directions or solve a crisis. Peter was responsible for a whole plant. He advanced in his career at a time when it was normal to have very defined hierarchical structures. Now, at the peak of his career, the leadership style had shifted. The whole organization was working more with teams. There was more need for collaboration. He was struggling. That is why he hired me for executive coaching.

Peter was already convinced of the importance of being better able to listen to his people and work in more collaboration. He did not want to use a top-down style of leadership. But he was puzzled why he was having such a hard time getting feedback from his people, when he was asking for their input. We decided I would shadow him for a day while he went through his normal routine and see if I could help him figure it out.

Very soon it was obvious to me why people were not responding to him. Even though his heart was in the right place, he had no clue how hard and final his comments sounded. Therefore, even though he was saying he wanted to hear the ideas of others, the way he presented himself, the tone of voice, and the words he used when giving his opinion, gave a totally different message. Once he started listening to himself, he was appalled at how he came across.

Remember. . .

Listening starts with you. Do you LISTEN to yourself? Do you know how you come across to others? If you are not sure, maybe you can ask your spouse or your teenager! Or listen to your small daughter or granddaughter. Some times I have suggested recording interactions and listening later. Whatever you do, make sure to listen better to yourself! It can make the difference in taking you to the next level of excellence!

photo by: mith17