I was coaching a VP of a corporation. We were talking about a difficult conversation he dreaded having with a very talented and knowledgeable manager of a division. According to him, the guy was brilliant but very “headstrong.”
He confided: “I’m afraid I will either blow up because his behavior makes me so angry, or don’t say anything because I don’t want to loose his cooperation.”
I’m sure many of you have experienced similar situations. Yet, it is possible to address a difficult issue and end up having cooperation and understanding, instead of hostility and break up.
The magic of a soft startup
Dr. John Gottman, who is the nation's most respected relationships researcher, says it is all in how you start the conversation. By observing a pair in conversation he can predict in the first three minutes, with 95% accuracy, how the conversation (and the relationships) will end.
Gottman's secret is this: If the conversation started with a blast of hostility, criticism or anger, it ended badly. If the conversation started softly, it ended well. His research has found that,
"discussions invariably end on the same note they begin."
How does a soft startup looks like
A soft startup begins without any form of contempt, criticism, defensiveness or stonewalling. A harsh start-up, on the other hand leads to emotional reactivity, emotional flooding and only creates distance between those involved.
A soft startup is not about:
- being “diplomatic,”
- “beating around the bush,” or
- presenting your position weakly.
Soft startups are all about four things:
- Good timing. Ask if now is a good time to talk. Make sure all involved are at a moment where you can take the time without feeling the need to rush.
- Affirmation. Affirm the value of the person, their relationship with you, or their work. Identify what you can truly and genuine appreciate about the other person and express it.
- Expression. State the purpose of the conversation and what you need and want in a way that is non-judgmental. Talk in a way that doesn’t cause the other person to get defensive. Don’t attack. You can talk about what you don’t like or want, but don’t criticize. Don’t try to talk while angry. It would only muddy the waters. Remember, the problem is the behavior, the situation, or the observation. Don’t make the person the problem. Describe what you see is happening, without evaluating or judging.
- Expectations. Spell out exactly what it is that you want or need as politely and kindly as you can. Be clear and concise. Tell the person the impact that changing his or her behavior will have from a positive perspective. Be certain they understand and commit to change. Expect cooperation, do all you can to facilitate it, and you will most likely get it.
Examples
An example of a harsh startup could be:
"I can't believe you are doing it again!"
“Do you really think you can keep making everyone feel stupid?”
“The trouble with you is ______________”
Obviously, any of these approaches will only lead to emotional reactivity, defensiveness, and bad feelings.
On the other hand, a soft startup might be:
"I have a concern I would like to talk to you about ... do you have time to talk now?" This startup is respectful and makes sure the timing is right.
The startup my client decided to use was: “I appreciate all the knowledge and experience you bring to our organization. But I feel very angry right now because I’m spending a lot of time dealing with conflicts in your unit. I will feel much better if we talk and find a more positive way to deal with the challenges your unit is facing.” This startup affirms the value of the person, while expressing feelings, situation, and needs clearly.
"Could it be ...that this is the problem?" This is a conversation starter, rather than an assertion. It is the way you put it out there without attacking or having to defend it. "Could it be" allows the issue to be a question for everyone. "Could it" be calls for a dialogue rather than a yes/no argument.
Remember. . .
Becoming aware of when and how we are most receptive to discussing important issues is a smart thing to do. If you use the magic of a soft startup, you can become effective at holding difficult conversations.
Share your thoughts
Have you tried a "soft start" for a difficult conversations? How was it helpful?
I would love to know what you think, so please share your thoughts with your fellow readers and myself.
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Photo by: AlicePopkorn